"There is but one Church in which men find salvation, just as outside the Ark of Noah it was not possible for anyone to be saved." - St. Thomas Aquinas
"Urged by faith, we are obliged to believe and to maintain that the Church is one, holy, catholic, and also apostolic." - Unam Sanctam, Bull of Pope Boniface VIII, 1302
"Protestants do not very often disagree with what Catholics believe, but they do very often disagree with what they think Catholics believe." - Fr. Dwight Longenecker
Half a year ago, on Friday 6th April 2018, knelt-down in a small dark chapel and with intermittently blurring eyesight, full adrenaline and a veil covering the crown of my head, I read aloud words of a Profession of Faith. The words felt like they continued for a lifetime as I denied previously held beliefs, submitted to the full authority of the Catholic Church and promised to abide by her faithful teaching for the rest of my life. As I received communion both with eternal Rome and with my Lord Jesus Christ in the Eucharist - which Catholicism dearly holds to be His transubstantiated Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity - I felt the significance of the moment. Of course, not every reception is overwhelming. Mgr. Robert Hugh Benson famously wrote of never having felt so emotionless in his life as when he entered into the Catholic Church from his Anglican past - obliged only by the Truth he had found. But the occasion for me felt special. I reflected on the Divine Providence, the tender pulling by the hand, that had brought me to the moment.
Now what, you may ask, could have compelled me to submit to a Church as outdated and corrupt as the Catholic one? After all, if you want to believe in God, why worship Him in a place so binding or institutional? Isn't the Catholic Church all rules and no relationship with God? Aren't we, in 2018, wise enough to know that Christ delivered us from all that? Your questions would be appropriate ones. They were also mine only a year ago.
Commitment to some fundamental but hard and uncomfortable truths of Christianity was not foreign to me. In the well-known words of C.S. Lewis, if Christianity is true, the only thing it cannot be is of moderate importance to one's life. It's all or nothing. After being baptised in the Church of England as an infant, as a teenager I soon rejected what I perceived as their lukewarmness and swiftly attended only Christian circles that were zealous, radically loving and opposed to any antiquated ritual - exactly how I perceived Christianity should be and resembling my idea of the early Church. Influenced by the Calvinist ideas so pervasive in modern movements, every Bible study I had attended, every worship song I had sung and every sermon I had ever heard centred around one particular message: a message that organised religion could be of no avail and only through acceptance of Jesus in a moment of your life would you be "born again"/"saved" in a manner that complies with Christian living and immediate assurance of Heaven.
Accordingly, I was rebaptised in a non-denominational church surrounded by the most wonderful group of people full of joy, positivity and encouragement. The joy of these Christian circles and their vibrant form of worship was, for me, a vindication of their truth. Over time, I became more stuck in. Always hopelessly introverted, it took me a while to participate in Christian life at university but once I got the hang of it, the charismatic Christian was the identity to which I aspired. In fact, it was while full of happiness helping a charismatic evangelistic mission week that I threw at God my strongest confusion and expressed my full anger at all organised religion - namely Catholicism and its Anglican, Lutheran and whatever other organised remnants I held as equatable. Having stumbled upon an article listing sizes of Christian groups, I had been overjoyed to see that evangelical Christianity was overtaking Catholicism in South America and soon, I hoped, the world. But the size of Catholicism struck me. How could we evangelicals still be a minority and how could God allow so many to be trapped within a false notion of religion? 1.2 billion people whose idea of my Lord was not One of freedom but One who demands works, meaningless rituals and often sits second rate next to Mary statues. What was more, how could this have been almost the exclusive form of Christianity prior to the 16th Century Protestant Reformation? I didn't know exactly when the Church had gone wrong, apart from some platitude about Constantine having invented a Roman state religion around the 4th century, but all I needed to know to vent my anger was that at least 1,000 years had been characterised by Roman Catholicism - with only a small group of people accessing the form of Christianity I knew was the way. Perhaps some Catholics could be saved but... my optimism was not high. Had they even heard the Gospel? It was in this moment that I decided to confess this confusion directly to God and, reluctantly, asked for some understanding about it all. Little did I know that from this 30 second prayer, which I soon forgot, would my whole life begin to change...
Within about two weeks, suddenly Catholicism was appearing everywhere. Well, online. At least one fruit of my typical millennial social media addiction has been its connective and educational power. Though I had never personally engaged much with practising Catholics who were positively passionate about the Church or their faith, I suddenly found myself almost choiceless having to defend Protestantism on an online political forum against a distant Catholic contact (who later became my Confirmation sponsor!) and with Facebook groups which made me question how much I actually knew about the teachings of the Church I so disdained. In the words of the American 1950s televangelist Venerable Archbishop Fulton Sheen, it is important to judge the Catholic Church "not by those who barely live by its spirit, but by the example of those who live closest to it." Therefore, plagued by misconceptions based on judging lapsed Catholics and seeing only Protestant representations of Catholicism, but armed with a deep-seated longing for Truth, I set out to judge it on more than my initial perceptions.
As Providence worked out, that summer after my undergraduate finals I had a trip scheduled to Israel and the West Bank, i.e. the Holy Land. Little did it cross my mind that most if not all sites of Christian heritage would be Roman Catholic. Hesitantly, I stepped foot in Catholic places of worship for the first time - sickened by the scent of incense and sight of gold and ritual but inspired by their devotion to upholding holy places in a secular world and hostile land. Whether the Mount of Beatitudes, the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem, the conjectured location of Christ's crucifixion at the Church of the Holy Sepulchre in Jerusalem or the Basilica of the Agony at Gethsemane's Garden where Jesus wept, the sites of His footsteps left a mark on me. I had departed for Israel ready to have only my evangelical Zionist Christianity vindicated but I left confused and still intrigued by the ancient Catholic faith I saw there.
Another providential grace gave me the time to more deeply reflect on and interrogate the faith and differences between Catholics and Protestants without distraction. After the visa process for a 10-week Californian economic policy internship I had my heart set on proved too chaotic to complete in time (thanks be to God, in hindsight!), this freed up my summer between degrees. Instead of my head in Californian sand and policy literature, it was in books and prayer. I had ordered several books authored by (gulp!) Catholics in order to give them a chance to explain their stance and, meanwhile, dug through Holy Scripture to find possible contradictions to them. As time went on, I daily grew more and more concerned that Catholicism was making sense and matched biblical Christianity more than I could have imagined. Suddenly, instead of the Catholic Church contradicting the Gospel or St. Paul's letters, it seemed to make more sense of them and fill in gaps I had stumbled on as a Protestant (e.g. why was the Lord's Supper so revered by St. Paul? Why would Jesus in the Gospel repeatedly confine the Kingdom of God to a narrow few who take up the Cross and endure in Him to the end - if we are "saved" in a moment? Had the Apostolic ministry really ended with the last Apostle? Was there deeper significance in Jesus changing Simon's name to Peter meaning rock ("Petros" in Biblical Greek/"Kepha" in Jesus's language Aramaic) when He named the rock on which He would build His Church?).
From the inspiring idea of a universal mystical Body of Christ fulfilling and superseding the Old Covenant as the New Covenantal family of God, to the compelling logic of this being one global visible Church united in doctrine by a body of bishops in apostolic succession ("...built on the foundation of the apostles", Ephesians 2:20) all obedient to a fatherly visible figure (the Pope), I was hooked. It made so much sense that Jesus Christ, who taught one way to eternal life and suffered to obtain for the world the gift of grace to have it, would have also left the world an enduring Church to continue His soul-saving mission ("... I will build My Church, and the gates of Hell shall not prevail against it", Matthew 16:18) . The Holy Bible was the only thing I was sure about as it had led me and proven true throughout my life. Yet... perhaps it wasn't only the Bible that upheld my Lord's message, but also a Church whose councils could combat errors of interpretation, had established which books belonged in it, and passed on other Christian teachings through Tradition. I hated the word "Tradition" but maybe it shouldn't be dismissed after all ("...stand firm and hold to the traditions that you were taught by us, either by our spoken word or by our letter", 2 Thessalonians 2:15). I was struck to find that the end of John's Gospel even notes that not all things were written that could be. Was my "Scripture alone" dogmatism actually instructed by Scripture itself? I couldn't deny that at the Councils of Nicea or Ephesus, it was the Catholic Church that had combatted damaging heresies or clarified ambiguities for the sake of Truth and unity. Plus, by newly loving the faith and devotion of Catholics I'd met or read and finding their explanations so wondrous and logical, I had committed the mistake G.K. Chesterton (poet, writer and convert to Catholicism) attributed to the stages of a Protestant's conversion - the first being fairness to the Catholic Church.
By the end of the summer, I had finished some books explaining the Catholic faith and was sufficiently inspired by the Catechism which summarises its doctrines - many views in which I already shared and whose beautiful articulation about God I marveled over. The prospect of actually being a Catholic was still very distant though... Why and how would I leave evangelical life which was ingrained into my identity and suddenly start venerating Mary and adoring consecrated bread? I was adamant that I would never want to call myself one. Even if the Church did seem to make a lot of sense and maybe there were some Christians in it after all, that's great - but it wasn't for me.
Fatal to this indifference, however short-lived, was discovering Unam Sanctam.
The strikingly blunt words "Extra Ecclesiam nulla salus" (Outside of the Church there is no salvation) are held by the Catholic Church with powerful conviction. Ironically, the nuance within the words was what I found most compelling about what they were professing. Although the Catholic Church alone contains and distributes all seven Sacraments that help us to work out our salvation "with fear and trembling" (Philippians 2:12), the spirit of truth in the Church may exist in Christ's followers outside of her. "Jesus answered, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the kingdom of God" (John 3:5). Just as those baptised by desire could be saved (had they known or been able to access it, they would have), so too can those who believe in Christ and die in a state of grace but being "invincibly ignorant" of the One True Church be spared in God's judgement that we will one day all undergo. This was reassuring to know, but it made my inquiry much more serious; after all, I was no longer ignorant, let alone invincibly so, of the existence and reality of this remarkable and enormous Church that still plodded on regardless of all hurled against her! I just had to settle remaining qualms.
After moving to London to begin postgraduate studies, suddenly I was like a child in a sweet shop. Catholic churches were everywhere! The choice about where to look or inquire seemed overwhelming but I was excited at the prospect of maybe attending another Mass or two after what I had learnt. First, I had to find an evangelical church to call home. This was easier said than done and something felt wrong about committing to one of them when I knew my heart had changed. Although their worship was keen and their community loving, it wasn't lining up with the early Church and apostolic teaching I felt I'd discovered - but I wasn't sure. For some reason, I felt compelled to resolve my lurking intrigue in Catholicism somehow. To either pursue its claim to be the One True Church further or then to put it to rest, realise how utterly stupid and naïve I was being and move on. I hoped and asked that God would provide me something to make the latter happen but I sent an e-mail to the Catholic chaplain of my new university nevertheless.
Sadly for my hope of setting intrigue aside, the priest responded with joy and arranged for us to meet for a coffee and chat as soon as I wished. Still sheepish about it all, I went along - nervously rehearsing in my head what on earth I would say and how I would subtly interrogate the beliefs of the Church to which he had given his life. I had spoken to a lot of people about Jesus but never a Catholic priest; was it even the same one we were worshiping? Excited about my introductory mention of being an evangelical Christian, he quickly mentioned that the day, October 4th, was St. Francis of Assisi's feast day. I didn't know what a feast day was but I smiled and nodded. He explained that St. Francis's way of living for Christ was more charismatic in some ways than others, and that the Franciscan order made up one part of a diverse Church. The Catholic Church, he said, is just "a home for all Christians". Anybody wanting a relationship with God, whether charismatic or traditionalist, was welcome and they could be a member of His family - simply united in important core doctrines, joined to the Ancient Church, backed up by two-thousand years of experience and enriched by the Holy Sacraments that are shepherded by men who emulate the role of Christ the High Priest. When he put it like that, it didn't sound so scary. As chance had it, he was giving a presentation after the day's Mass to a small group of students about Catholic history in England - martyrs and all. Declining the invitation to Mass so as to not intrude, I waited until it was over and went along to the presentation to gain another glimpse of the faith that had illumined England for so many years between St. Augustine of Canterbury's evangelisation of the shores up until the Church of England's violent seizure of the faith in the 1530s. Following that, he informed me of classes in preparation for the Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults (RCIA), i.e. reception into the Roman Catholic Church, if I wished to find out more. The term seemed frightening and a bit too consequential. Yet after being assured there were fifteen other young people signed up and that I could simply attend for the first few weeks and drop out before Christmas if I didn't want to go further, I obliged.
The Brompton Oratory, which later became my home parish, was another place I had heard so much about from faithful Catholics and after e-mailing one of their priests, I was met with news of their own Inquiry classes. Thus began six months of twice-a-week evening classes that became the highlight of my year. Having my questions satisfied and journeying with other non-Catholics did nothing to meet my desire not to have to convert. The checklist I had on my phone note app entitled 'Reasons not to be a Catholic' was getting smaller and smaller. Suddenly, touring different daily Masses across London in observation (and rushing out immediately when the consecration of bread and wine began, sometimes in tearful frustration at my unfamiliarity with it all) became a staple part of my routine.
The Holy Sacrifice of the Mass is in itself humbling and even uncomfortable. We are invited to recount our sins, reduce ourselves ("He must increase, but I must decrease", John 3:30) and participate prayerfully and sorrowfully as if we are at the foot of the Cross at Calvary and as the penitent publican seeking God's justification (Luke 18:9-14). The blessed and consecrated Body of Christ is presented to God in thanksgiving, atonement, and for our hope of salvation. Although literacy about Mass has been on the decline among Catholics, I was fortunate to be enlightened by others early on into my conversion about the suppressed but increasingly reviving and treasured Traditional/Tridentine Latin Mass (TLM). Latin Mass has been the Mass predominantly celebrated by the Church throughout her deep history but was dramatically overhauled during 1960s attempts to modernise. Together with the congregation, in the TLM the priest faces God toward the high altar ("ad orientem") where he will fulfill his appointed ministry just as the Apostles before him were taught by Christ at the Lord's Supper (Believed by the Catholic Church to be the first Mass). The use of Latin is not prescriptive all over the world but was adopted as a universal language of a universal Church, one used by Our Lord and one of the three sacred languages written above Him "Jesus of Nazareth, the King of the Jews" as He died. Now, all of this was starkly different to singing praise lyrics in tents in fields to guitars and drums and I would be lying if I claimed I immediately understood and loved any Mass, let alone silent Latin Mass. I had only just learnt that the words "this is my Body" (Luke 22:18) might not be symbolic after all and my appreciation of the Eucharist as the sacred mystery around which all Christian life is centred has required time to accustom to but as I've grown in love for it, so I believe God has helped me grow in love and unity to His will.
By October 31st 2017, the 500th anniversary of the Reformation, I was more or less sure of the end destination of my inquiry. Nevertheless, I attended a charismatic church's series on the Five Solaes of the Protestant Reformation where each Sunday they had been celebrating Martin Luther's doctrines on which his departure from the Catholic Church were based. After hearing a sermon on Soli Deo gloria/Glory to God alone (not too objectionable surely), with a confidence boost from an evangelical friend I approached the pastor. I wasn't sure he'd presented Catholic teaching fairly. In what became an hour of exchange, we found agreement on many points but a striking moment occurred when we got onto the validity of honouring the saints - people who lived in and for Christ and who the Catholic Church has used its authority to teach are therefore in Heaven. While I tried to explain that in honouring them we glorify God, and that those who died in Christ are more alive in Heaven than we are on Earth, he treated the whole idea as near-blasphemous. Suddenly, an enthusiastic woman appeared out of nowhere. She gave him thanks for his work and proclaimed how she glorified God because of him. I don't know if he realised the ironic timing of the moment - but I felt relief that maybe I wasn't explaining a concept too far-fetched from reality...
Although I had been attending Catholic classes and Mass in secret, by November I had confessed what felt like a dark and dirty secret to some friends and, painfully, to my family. I could no longer brush off questions about which evangelical church I was attending by changing the subject and pretending I hadn't found "the right one". After a life in a certain style of similarly conviction-led, but Protestant, Christianity, deviating towards a Catholicism so foreign to everyone I knew felt like a betrayal... a hurtful rebellion. I watched as those most dear questioned whether I was losing my Christian faith, wondering who had brainwashed me and, though I always took pride in not being emotional, I became a different person newly plagued by nights crying myself to sleep and fearing this huge but increasingly inevitable change in my life. I had so much joy and peace discovering the Church, yet I hated myself for the impact conversion would have on family life and many friendships I feared could no longer remain as they were. Every time I doubted conversion and sought God for a way out, He was so gracious to show me Scripture assuring me it was a difficult path but that He was leading me.
The struggles and lows in the rollercoaster of joining the Catholic Church have paradoxically been more of a blessing and grace than I could ever have hoped. Realising that the cost of following Christ ("If anyone would come after Me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow Me", Matthew 16:24) isn't just a cute concept but a tangible necessity, I've found myself growing in teachability, smallness, surrender to God's will and convinced by His ultimate goodness more than ever before. Penance, mortification and confession of sins are rich practices in the Church. "Catholic guilt" is a well-loved and mocked concept but learning to scrutinise myself more and realising the depth of my weaknesses and fallenness that Christ daily saves me from have been joys. Aristotle spoke of four levels of happiness, the highest being the beatific vision where the absolute fullness of goodness, truth, beauty and love are found. Now a single moment of certain salvation might not be what I believe in anymore but the hope of one day attaining to this beatific vision in Heaven keeps me going and pursuing these things with confidence that God's grace can perfect even the most sinful among us. Truth is so sweet and I look forward to however many years God gives me here dwelling in and seeking its glimpses before, hopefully, one day seeing Him face-to-face. Truth cannot be more than singular and it is ultimately found in God alone. He is not a God of confusion, not of 40,000 divided Protestant denominations, rather He has made His family clear and open to all.
I never hated the Catholic Church. I only hated my misconceptions about her. Although I discovered many imperfections and sins within, I also discovered her timeless beauty, perfection and holiness - all sourced only from the One who founded her for our salvation and God's glory. As St. Augustine says, "one cannot enter into Truth without love." I had been seeking only Christ and not the Church, yet how could I love Christ and not His Church? The Son of God came to Earth with a saving mission and suffered, died and was resurrected to achieve it. If Heaven is the destination for which we hope, our time in this world is only our ship. Yet sailing through, it is safely within the enduring Ark He built that I wish to be. Knock on its door; you never know what you might find.
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Below are a few of the websites, books, verses and quotations that have helped me on my Catholic journey so far (links included):
Websites/videos:
Extra Ecclesiam Nulla Salus II (Video)
Book recommendations
Introduction to the Devout Life, St. Francis de Sales
The Imitation of Christ, Thomas a Kempis
Rome Sweet Home, Scott Hahn
[Christian] Apologetics and Catholic Doctrine, Archbishop Robert Sheehan
Jesus of Nazareth, Pope Benedict XVI
Summa Theologiae, St. Thomas Aquinas
The Lamb's Supper: The Mass as Heaven on Earth, Scott Hahn
Jesus and the Jewish Roots of the Eucharist, Brant Pitre
The Catholic Church and Conversion, G.K. Chesterton
Story of a Soul, St. Thérèse of Lisieux
Quotations/verses
"We do not really want a religion that is right where we are right. We want a religion that is right where we are wrong. We do not want, as the newspapers say, a Church that will move with the world. We want a Church that will move the world". - G.K. Chesterton
"All are welcome in the Church, but not on their terms – on Christ’s terms." - Bishop Robert Barron
"Our freedom is this: to submit to truth." - St. Augustine
"Absolute truth must be unchangeable!" - Pope St. Pius X
"Modern philosophers will accept anything except the bleeding Substitute for guilty man." - Charles Spurgeon
"Do not accept anything as the truth if it lacks love. Do not accept anything as love if it lacks truth." - Edith Stein/St. Teresa Benedicta of the Cross
"The chalice of benediction, which we bless, is it not the communion of the Blood of Christ? And the bread, which we break, is it not the partaking of the Body of the Lord?" - 1 Corinthians 10:16
"All the good works in the world are not equal to the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass because they are the works of men; but the Mass is the work of God. Martyrdom is nothing in comparison for it is but the sacrifice of man to God; but the Mass is the sacrifice of God for man." - St. John Vianney
"..in Me you may have peace. In the world you shall have distress: but have confidence, I have overcome the world." - John 16:33
"Earthly riches are full of poverty." - St. Augustine
"If, then, you are looking for the way by which you should go, take Christ, because He Himself is the way." - St. Thomas Aquinas
"I appeal to you, brothers, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree, and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be united in the same mind and the same judgment." - 1 Corinthians 1:10
"The Church is a perpetually defeated thing that always outlives her conquerers." - Hillaire Belloc
"The Church is a perpetual construction site." - Cardinal Henri de Lubac
"God did not create a human family made up of segregated, dissociated, mutually independent members. No; he would have them all united by the bond of total love of Him and consequent self-dedication to assisting each other to maintain that bond intact." - Pope Pius XII
"It is love alone that counts." - St. Thérèse of Lisieux
"Let your religion be less of a theory and more of a love affair." - G.K. Chesterton
"I wish my voice could reach all sinners: Come to Christ where all is love." - St. Pio
"Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important." - C.S. Lewis